Illness and the dysfunctional family
Don’t cry because it’s happening, smile because it will be over.
Dear reader, what follows is a personal account of a fractured family ( mine ) in a time of crisis, I normally write about AIs, tech and software development, but this one is mostly for my own processing (every writer gets a few I guess ), still my hope here is that others in similar situations understand that they are not alone, that this is not normal and that a lot of pain and misery can be avoided with the right attitude, and well it might even be entertaining to read.
The Crisis
It all usually starts with a phone call: Your father is at the hospital, he’s been unconscious and we don’t know what will happen.
In my case I had a slight variation as I had chosen to go no contact with my estranged father a few years ago and so I got the call almost a month after the original crisis, this was a blessing. I was also not allowed to see him by my siblings for reasons unknown at the time and only got information through an uncle.
It brings people together, but not “together”.
As with many fractured families we were all not having family relationships before and barely speaking, but we found ourselves ( 2 brothers, a half brother on the phone, an uncle ) on a dinning table at my fathers house ( still in the hospital ) now commandeered by my brother.
While we had a lot of questions, my brother had a seemingly different agenda, mainly to inform us that everything was taken care of, that he was firmly in charge of things and that our input and pressence was not required, and how dare we interrupt his hour long monologue and detailed timeline of the events staring him !
Expect family members to either be at their worst or their best,
it's almost as if a crisis brings ones true nature out and amplifies it,
no middle ground.I ended up with more questions than answers and opted not to go visit my father at the hospital for a number of reasons, mainly he was unconscious with a 50% chance of not making it, ( we voted against life support and resuscitation as per his wishes ), but most importantly I would be taking a nurse or friends visit slot.
Add your own personal crisis to spice things up !
The prelude to the next phase ( these things can take time ) was the news that I would need to vacate my apartment in a month’s time, my 30% increase offer in rent was not accepted and the area where I was born and live (Condesa/Roma in Mexico City) has been gentrified beyond recognition, they say moving is up there with a family health crisis in terms of stress, the universe apparently likes to bundle !
TIP: Get a Yoga mat and a nice notebook/pen, learn to meditate/stretch
and use the notebook to write down your moving plans, prospective
apartments or whatever other details your extra crisis demands,
between these two you can control the anxiety that will inevitable
attack you.The “father” figure
I got news that my dad had been released from the hospital and decided to try and go see him, if anything to say goodbye. My relationship with him has been complicated to say the least, in my mind he’s never been a paternal figure, source of love, information or support which I’ve been told is what dads mostly do, ( even calling him dad feels weird ) I was terrified of him as a child, loathed him as a teen, was disappointed of him as an adult and thankfully independent and indifferent from his constant manipulations now that I am older, I also inherited anger and other character problems from him ( mainly through bad examples I understood as normal behavior), problems I’ve worked all my life to get rid off, his dark long shadow has been a constant companion in my life, yet seeing him bed ridden, suffering, fragile, did not bring any joy or closure.
Nobody is truly evil, or good for that matter, except perhaps in works of
fiction, my dad is no exception, while his family and finances have
always been in shambles, he has devoted himself to his friends through his
life, his mercurial temperament and vigor can almost be mistaken for
passion and Joie de vivre, that is as long as you are not on the
receiving end.How bad is it doc ?
The doctors took multiple chunks of his brain out,skull and all, yet he looked and acted remarkably well, “I am anxious, cant sleep and want to die” was his answer to my jovial how are you doing ? 100% in line with his character, so what are you anxious about I asked ? And maybe I shouldn’t have.
TIP: This is not the time to solve family problems, if anything new
problems will arise, old ones will resurface and dirt will be flung
carelessly, approach every family conversation like you would a monkey
juggling hand grenades while traversing a minefield.Without getting into specifics my dad has always played fast and loose with his money, so it was not surprising but still shocking to learn that he had given most of his money to his latest partner ( by his account he’s had 18, a few while married), so where is this partner I asked, we’ll she took off to Spain for some time was the answer.
All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Tolstoy
Palace intrigues and bad blood.
Halfway through my first visit I spotted a cellphone on top of a desk, picked it up thinking it was my dads second/burner one, ( he was asking me to help him find a contact ) and discovered it recording our private conversation,it belonged to my brothers wife (she had taken residence in my dads house) and any trust or goodwill I had just evaporated.
There was also an excel file with medical expenses and rent income from my dads properties, the fruit of years of lawyering and odd jobs, that I was promised would be made available to everyone and well that never materialized.
Before my dad informing me that he was basically broke and he could lose the very house he was staying at I contemplated moving into a section of it under construction, I could make it habitable, solve my housing issue and be near my dad in case of an emergency, this idea was swiftly turned down by my brother and half brother, in their eyes I was trying to take advantage of the situation, mind you I would have to invest a considerable amount to make it habitable and the end goal was to rent it asap to generate resources for upcoming medical expenses.
You will get emotional, others will get emotional and family
members can even turn on each other, not the greatest environment for
decision making and collaboration.Money, money money
It’s true ! random people will come out of the woodwork to take advantage of any situation an illness provides, in our case the cleaning lady suddenly upgraded herself to nurse and demanded a raise, handymen suddenly all wanted to get paid for services rendered years ago in “good faith” , yet the biggest treachery came from none other than one my fathers “best” friends , a rich guy my dad looked up to that orchestrated a weird lien/mortgage contract with my dad against his properties along with my dads current partner.
Money is a tough one, having a loving family that is also
financially savvy along with your own plans/insurance/savings for when
things go south I think is your best bet against being plundered like a
treasure chest when you are at your weakest and need some of those
resources to survive. And we are back to the old ways.
One of the things that drove me away from my own father was/is his tendency to use other people’s time and resources as if they were his, oftentimes without asking and demanding perfection even when he himself was far from the mark, so not even half an hour into my first visit I was tasked ( more like roped ) with helping the nurse bring cases and cases of legal documents he had stored elsewhere to find the contract for his latest folly, he also made a fact seeking meeting for a following day with his friend and lawyer to which I was required to attend, and a few other errands: find Mr. Jones in accounting at X bank, unlock all my bank accounts, talk to such and such and tell them to contact me, go trough my phone history see if you can find anything.
I spent the next hours trying and failing to accomodate some of these requests but I couldn’t as there wasn’t enough information like passwords, contact numbers and such and my dad kept falling asleep losing the thread.
At some point between calling me by another name and yelling at the nurse he said something to the effect of why are you still here !? Which hurt, wasn’t completely unexpected and my cue to leave.
Ailing people are still the same people with the same character, an injured
lion is still a lion, a beached shark can trash and bite you to death.
Don't expect the things that drove you away to change, if anything they
can be more intense due to the gravity (these could be his last words) and
hurt more, that famous change of heart at lifes end is a great plot element
in movies but I don't think it happens in real life.A “good” lawyer
The meeting with his lawyer/friend went as well as you can imagine, the remaining properties could generate enough income to fund a few years of home care but they are a legal house of cards, so no guarantees, another property ( a mismanaged airbnb at the beach ) could be sold under market prices, having my penniless brother and his wife in charge of finances was not ideal but replacing them would be yet another issue, when it came to the big issue the lawyer was equally flummoxed, you did what ? how ? when ? Like many meetings this was mostly unnecessary as there was no new findings, yet like many meetings the reassurance of this is your reality’s bedrock is a small comfort.
There might be good people involved.
That an ailing lawyers lawyer would be the only sane and unbiassed
person was a surprise, turns out he viewed my dad more as his brother than
his client, mind you, lawyers in Mexico (one of the most corrupt places on
earth) can and will take advantage of the these type of situations, but he
seemed genuine.I care for you, but you are not dragging me with you.
This time around I wanted to make it clear that while I cared and wanted to help if possible, I was going through my own crisis and that would need to take priority, I would come back and visit once I had dealt with it (roughly a month out) and would only be available on the phone in case of an emergency.
Your mental, financial, physical and emotional health takes priority, be
assertive and if you can't, remove yourself from the situation.It’s better to reflect than confront.
The temptation to get even, lecture and chastise was ever present , but what does one gain by beating someone that is down, even if that person really hurt you ? I believe it’s better to reflect, salvage any lessons of value and if you can let go.
what I really wanted to say to my dad was this : You had all your life to prepare for this, countless opportunities to mend your family, your character, your finances, I implored you, I offered help just to be ignored, your attitude of leaving problems to your future self, of acting recklessly with money and people has finally caught up with you.
But I didn’t, what I can salvage is the notion that this is not a situation I want for myself, and having intimate knowledge of how these situations arise gives me a blueprint as to what to avoid and what to focus on.
Goodbye for now.
My apartment move is fast approaching, the last I heard of my dad through my uncle was that the partner was willing to return some of the money, the details are still missing, my brother and half brother are still not communicating and I can only imagine the effect of the news that the properties/inheritance they seem to be vying for are in jeopardy. I am left with some sadness and empathy for those involved ( including myself), but more importantly life lessons and all my sanity.
The opposite is probably true for Normal Happy families...
A few months ago the father of one of my school friends passed away, I
always envied them because well, they were normal, even boring to some,
while their grievance felt true and significant in comparison, they
also comforted themselves in a loving way with the net result of them
being ok and grateful for their time together.
All this seems alien to me, in the same way my dysfunctional relatives
( it's really not a family) might seem to them, and the only way to even
the score is for one to realize that we were all given different cards in
life's lottery and we should make the best of the situation, even if it
means discarding them. Amor Fati as the ancients use to say.Thanks for reading.
